Ep. 3 Managing Imposter Syndrome: Insights and Experiences

What can imposter syndrome feel like? This episode of 'Learning to Manage' delves into the pervasive issue of imposter syndrome, particularly in the context of managerial experiences. I share two stories of how negative managerial behaviors have affected my confidence and professional growth. I also offer practical strategies I use for overcoming imposter syndrome and emphasize the importance of self-support and professional development.

Resources
Imposter Syndrome: Definition, symptoms, and overcoming it

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Transcript

Welcome to "Learning to Manage," the podcast where you embark on a journey with me toward becoming an effective leader. I'm Aruna Seegolam, MBA, and I'll be sharing my learning journey toward effective leadership and management.  I believe strongly in professional development and I'm a lifelong student. I'm currently in the second half of my doctorate in business administration degree with a concentration in strategic management.

I also work full-time as an operations director and have been managing employees for seven years. I've been that crappy toxic manager, and now I actively work on learning how to lead with intention and compassion. Whether you're leading a team, managing projects, or navigating the complexities of organizational dynamics, join me as I learn strategies and get the inspiration needed to excel in a leadership role. 

This is Learning to Manage. 

This episode, I decided to talk about imposter syndrome because of the impact that bad managers have on their managerial staff. I've struggled with my confidence for years, and we can attribute that to a strict mother or how overly ambitious I am, but nothing has hurt me more than when my manager makes me feel inadequate.  Now there's some obvious maltreatment from bad managers. But what about the "too good to be true" managers? I have two examples of managers who caused me to experience imposter syndrome. This has sometimes led me to refuse opportunities presented to me, led me to want to give up on myself, or just prevented me from opportunities of growth because I was not who that manager wanted me to be.

Imposter syndrome is described as a condition where an individual feels anxiety around the success that they actually have. Individuals may feel as if they have not achieved or deserve the successes even though if we look at metrics, they have. These individuals feel essentially like a phony and they doubt their abilities.  I once had a manager who ticked all the boxes. This manager was supportive, gave me opportunities to learn, gave me credit for the work I did, et cetera. They empowered me to be the best I could be.  There were some obvious red flags, but I was a new manager so I figured this was regular office politics that I just had to get used to.  They really disliked my predecessor and often spoke ill of her. But I never realized that each of the scenarios they spoke ill of my predecessor about was regarding loyalty. My manager was upset that my predecessor left the team. The manager didn't really have an issue with any of the work my predecessor actually did.

The first time I was misinformed about an opportunity made me really upset. There's a position that was my end goal.  My manager presented it to me as a lateral position that another team asked if I could interview for.

"No," I told my manager, "I still have so much good work I can do here."

And I didn't take the opportunity.  I later found out that the position would have been the one I really wanted and I was floored.  Oh, did I forget to mention that the position is laterally equivalent to that of my managers? 

Now, one thing to know about me is that I always give people the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe my manager didn't know at the time. Really Aruna? This highly intelligent professional didn't know that the position they were presenting to you was equal to theirs?

Now here's where the imposter syndrome comes up. I have since left that position, but it was a large department. So occasionally I see some great job openings that report to colleagues I've worked with before. So I know that they know my work ethic. Without sharing too much, there were two separate times that I applied and had extremely positive conversations with the hiring manager. Both times I got ghosted after that conversation. Why? The hiring managers reached out to my old boss and for lack of a better term, I had been somewhat blacklisted. So I wasn't welcome on those teams. Why was I not welcome? "She won't stay. She isn't loyal."

I now know that it is this individual's narrow-mindedness about loyalty that removed these opportunities from me but both of the times I spent weeks wondering what it was that made these hiring managers changed their minds about me? Was it something I did while we worked together that they just remembered? Where they lying to me and just said the things that they said so that I would leave them alone? Was I not as valued as I thought I was?

You will hear me mention many times that I struggle with self confidence throughout the life of this podcast but when someone removes something like this from my life, I began to worry that I was nowhere as good as I thought. All those compliments my coworkers have given me throughout the years were baseless and they're just saying it to make me feel better.  

Excuse my language, but what a load of baloney.  

The second manager this happened with, put me straight into depression. I'm known for having structure being highly organized, quick thinking and very resourceful. If I don't know the answer to your question, I can certainly find it and I won't send you on a wild goose chase. I'll figure it out for you and maybe even provide you with a solution to the problem you had. Because of this, I generally have a wealth of information. And after a few years, I can confidently say, I know a lot.

 So after one of my most successful years, I was blindsided by HR and my boss informed me that my job description would be changing. Half of that great organizing I thought I did was removed from my job description.  

What a blow to my already low confidence.  

Was I not doing a good job? Did I mess up something so much that what I thought was my biggest strength actually, wasn't and a chunk of my job duties needed to be removed completely from a job description?  To make matters worse. I went from being a confidant and trusted employee to my boss to barely ever seen them. 

And each time my boss would email me something like "we should discuss" and I replied back. "Sure. When would you like to meet?" There'll be silence. It was like, my boss wanted nothing to do with me.

So why did these things happen to me? Oh, that'll be another episode.

But the imposter syndrome was strong and here's how I got myself out of it. 

1.   I mentioned before the brag books that managers should have. I have a binder of little projects and checklists, I put together. I keep it at the bottom of my to-do list pile. So once I reached the bottom of the pile, I usually feel accomplished in the . So I happily skimmed through the binder. I always go, oh, I completely forgot I put that together. Not that I'm a bad worker, but I do have a never ending to-do list so I rarely make it to the bottom of that to-do list pile, which is why the system works for me. I end up looking at it a few times a year.

 2.  I remind myself that this situation is not about me. In the example of the first manager I mentioned, this individual has an issue with loyalty. They want employees to work at organizations for decades. Unfortunately, I'm a job hopping millennial. It may not work for my manager, but it works for me. In the last eight years, job hopping has increased my salary by 79%. I'm going to say, that's not too shabby.  With the second manager, that individual was on a power trip, so to speak and the actions toward me were not personal. I was just not someone that they wanted in their inner circle.

Now, let me make a side note. I'm not going to sit here and bash others. I mean, I know there is a kinder way to say power trip and people have issues, but it's my perception of it. My point is that managers can also have their own agendas. I mean, the days when I'm a terrible manager, I'm working off my own agenda too. 

Lastly, I leaned into my support group. I found ways to increase my happiness. I spent time with friends, networked to create new working and personal relationships and gave back to the two people who pour into me every day: my husband and my son.  I realized that work is just work and I already give a hundred percent of myself. I cannot possibly give any more. I am certainly not for everyone and I may either outgrow workplaces or the workplaces outgrow me. That's okay. Successful businesses and successful professionals are meant to be disruptive.

Thank you for joining me on this episode of Learning to Manage. I hope you found some valuable insights and inspiration to enhance your leadership skills.  If you enjoyed today's episode, please be sure to subscribe to this podcast for more discussions on leadership and management. And don't forget to leave a review to let me know how I'm doing. 

If you have any questions, topics suggestions, or stories to share about your own leadership journey, I would love to hear from you. Please visit the show notes for my Facebook and LinkedIn profiles and some additional resources.

Remember leadership is not just about directing others. It's about empowering others to reach their full potential.

Until next time. I'm Aruna Seegolam signing off from Learning to Manage. 

Take care and keep learning, keep growing, and keep leading with purpose.