Special Episode: Why Am I So Vocal About My Bad Leadership? Part 1

Why am I so vocal about my bad experiences with leadership? Join me as I reflect on my struggles with toxic leadership, self-discovery, and the power of learning to manage. Get to know more about me on this special episode as I share insights and some valuable lessons that shaped my perspective on effective leadership.

Resources
Preeti Aakar - Fundamental Nature by Aruna Khedaroo ISBN: 978-1413429831
Psyching a Spirit by Aruna Khedaroo ISBN: 978-1441556134

Harvard Business Review: https://hbr.org/2018/09/what-to-do-when-you-have-a-bad-boss
Forbes: https://www.forbes.com/sites/amyanderson/2013/06/17/coping-in-a-toxic-work-environment/?sh=7da81f17461c

Transcript

 Welcome to a special episode of Learning to Manage. In these special episodes, I'm going to be sharing some of my personal experiences to better explain why I'm so passionate about learning more about management. Welcome to part one of, uh, many parts. 

When I first became a manager, I was so proud of myself because I never thought I'd amount to anything.  But I didn't start off that way. As the daughter of immigrant parents, neither of whom went to high school, there were some high hopes for my formal education journey. I was a pretty good writer as a teenager. I had done some writing-intensive programs and I had self-published two fiction books before turning 20 years old. I got into a good program for undergrad and I wanted to become a medical doctor.

But three years in, I failed out of the undergrad program and then took an additional four years to complete my bachelor's in biology. Long story short, having a decent job, let alone being a manager was a blessing.

I became a manager because of my work ethic. The individual who managed me was impressed with how much I got done and how I communicated. My demeanor fit into the culture that they were looking for. I kept busy. I kept to myself, but I was friendly enough that I was approachable to program staff.  

But I didn't know how to manage people.  

Bad example, after bad example, I was guided and coached that it was the work that mattered. When I asked for help dealing with issues within my team and fears that team members would leave because of my bad management, I can still hear the words clearly. 

"You matter to me. Not these other staff."

Here's one example. I worked with a very sweet woman who needed support and guidance daily. Thinking back, most of the time she just needed assurances and wanted to double-check things that we previously discussed. But I was impatient. I was frustrated because I used 60 minutes out of an 8 to 10 hour workday to check in with her. At one point, she reached out to my manager and screamed for about two hours about me. I didn't hear specifically what she said and I never found out either, because again, I was who mattered in that team, not her. I want to emphasize that this is not a compliment to me, or this team. At all.

That's when things started to feel weird. Something about all of this wasn't sitting right with me. But I was numb. Working as many hours as I did had become detrimental to my health. I ate, slept and lived this job. Toward the end of my tenure in that position. My high school son started commuting to Manhattan, the commute was about an hour for him, after school was over to meet me after work at my building because I was always working so late. 

I was just so numb. The job consumed me.  

But here's what happened to tip the scales. One day, my managers were made aware of a critical mistake made by, let's call him Bill, who was a supervisor on my team. Obviously the mistake was even more so critical because it meant that all of Bill's staff was also making this mistake. My managers decided that Bill would be demoted, still report to me, but his team would report to me instead of reporting to him. They asked me to share this information with Bill and his team.

I asked them, "Shouldn't we speak to Bill first so he's aware?" My managers told me that they would speak to Bill now, but that I should hurry before the end of the day to schedule this meeting with Bill's team.  Now, before I walked into the meeting with Bill and his team, something told me to double-check. So I reached out again to my managers to ensure that they had met with Bill. They said that they had and that Bill understood. I remember questioning myself that how can Bill be this calm, but I brushed it off.  

So I met with Bill and his team. And while I spoke, I saw the color drain from Bill's face. He looked as surprised as the rest of his team.  But I brushed it off again. And this is a huge issue with toxic management. You just don't see these issues right away.  And neither did I.  I made the biggest mistake. I trusted my managers.

But anyway, after the meeting, I just couldn't shake the feeling, so I went to Bill and I asked him, I said, did my manager speak to you about, well, anything?  I got a resounding no.  And I know he didn't believe me, but I apologized and I said that, I thought that they had spoken to him prior to.

But here's the thing.  That's what my managers wanted. They wanted Bill to be humiliated. Why? I can never understand. But they knew me and they knew I would not agree to blindside him. They lied to me. They let me humiliate Bill.  And it was like a switch flipped in my brain. The numbness went away. Cloudiness dispersed! And there it was, I was in an insanely toxic workplace.  When the nice woman I referenced in my first story resigned a few months later, I told her that I wouldn't be far along behind her. 

I left three months after that.  

Here's my call to action.  When your gut tells you something is wrong, listen to it. My biggest regret is that I cannot apologize for what I've done. This is only two stories of multiple stories during my tenure in that position.  That version of myself can never be forgiven or forgotten. I hate what I've done and I should have known better.  So I implore you to make note of the times that you have failed your team. Learn from these experiences and try to do better.  Do not compromise on your values. When you need help, ask. If your employer will not provide it. Seek it elsewhere. 

Here's another thing. If the resources aren't working for you. Seek out other resources. I have been trying to be a transformational leader going on seven years now. And it has never worked for me. But servant leadership.  Now that works.

Never stopped learning. Management styles and effective leadership methods are dynamic and we need to keep up with what a healthy workplace culture is today.  

I hope this gives you an idea about why learning to manage is so important to me.  

Thank you for joining me on this special episode. Please visit the show notes for additional resources. Until next time, this is a Aruna Seegolam signing off from Learning to Manage. Bye!